30 days until 30

I looked down at my planner today and was startled. Not only was I two letters away from 30 (JuNE 9 to JuLY 9), I was staring down the final 30 days of my 20s. Geesh! How did this happen? As the old saying goes, “you’re never older than you feel.” The thing is, until only last week, I never really felt old.

You see, my parents have told me and sometimes tell others that I was born 40 years old. For the most part, minus the occasional childish tantrum or adolescent angst, I was an adult walking around in a child’s body. This had two psychological things going for it: 1) I always looked younger than I felt and 2) I always wanted to be older – so people would take my adult-like thoughts seriously. Clearly, neither of these scenarios got me stressing about my aging process.

Because of my summer birthday, I’ve always been the youngest of my peers to hit all the exciting milestones. I was the last one to get my driver’s license, the last to turn 21, etc. This was compounded when I graduated from high school early to attend the University of Georgia and subsequently graduated from college early to join the “real” world. With each of these peer groups, I remained the youngest – and then, a couple of things happened or didn’t happen that changed the game….1) I didn’t do the typical “grown-up” things. I’m not yet married, nor do I have kids, so among my peers in my same season of life, I’m looking old. 2) I made a career change. After 5 years in public accounting, even as things were going well, I decided to pursue a career in public service. This choice resulted in me returning to graduate school, which, as you would guess, is a young demographic. For quite a long period of time, I never derived any anxiety from these factors.

While I think the ability to engage with people of all ages comfortably is hugely important and advantageous in life, when does this cross-generational fraternizing become self-deprecating? (Granted, because of this life skill, I can sing the lyrics to both Miley Cyrus and Bob Dylan songs). The answer to this question for me was "last week."

As part of my graduate program, I am required to intern during the summer between my program’s two academic years. I find myself in NYC, working for a former president’s amazing foundation – one that’s doing inspiring and helpful things around the world. Out of the 85 or so interns, approximately 70 are undergrads. While we have different jobs and responsibilities catered to our skills, I still found it very stressful when I learned that 45 of the interns are underage! From the communication of this statistic, I felt OLD. And the insecurity that goes with that is distressing. I keep asking myself how can wisdom and experience make one insecure?

Instead of analyzing the answer to this question or succumbing to societal expectations and pressure, I am trying to reflect on all that I’ve been able to accomplish and experience in my almost 30 years. In no way am I doing this as a competition with or comparison to others, but more of an appreciation of 30 amazing years. God has blessed me with a life I will never deserve, just because He’s merciful, gracious and loving. In writing this blog entry, I vow not to be anxious about the “looming” 3-0. Instead, I’ll be thankful for the last thirty years and hopeful for the next thirty years – that I’m able to experience and contribute to Christ’s kingdom in some small way.